Friday, 6 November 2015

non veg jokes english

The teacher asked Jimmy, “Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?” Jimmy replied crying, “Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, “I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!”

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!” Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra. The mom asks, “Why on Earth do you need that?!” The little boy says, “isn’t that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn’t get hard?”

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, “I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300.” The husband asked, “What would mine go for?” The wife replied, “They were giving ones like yours away for free.” The husband said, “I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000.” “How about mine?” the wife asked and the husband replied, “That was where they were holding the auction.”  

One night, Penis and Balls were sitting in a couch. Penis said to Balls, “We are going to a party. Balls said, “F*ck off, you always leave me knocking.”

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah? About three inches.

A patient says, “Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?” The doctor replies, “Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.”

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. Jack got a shock, with a mouth full of cock, to find out Jill s real name was Randy.  

A woman walks into a chemist’s and asks if they sell extra-large condoms.  ‘Yes, we do,’ says the sales assistant.  ‘Would you like to buy some?’  ‘No thanks,’ replies the woman.  ‘But if you don’t mind, I’ll wait here for someone who does.’

Sex without condoms is magical… A baby appears and father disappears.

A man calls 911 emergency: ” Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!” After five minutes, the same man calls back: “It is OK  I found another one.”

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he nervously asks. “No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend, then?” he continues. “No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear. “Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires, hoping to be reassured. “No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!” she answers. “Well, who in the hell is he, then?” he demands. She whispers in his ear: “That’s me before the surgery.”

The three words most hated by men during sex: ‘Are you done?’  The three words most hated by women during sex, ‘Honey, I’m home!’

Two sperms are racing to reach the ovule. After a minute, one asks the other, “Hey, how much longer until we reach the ovaries?” The other answers, “Keep swimming, fool! We haven t even passed the tonsils yet!”

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom said, “don’t worry. That part where the hair has grown is called a Monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” At dinner, the girl told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister replied, “That s nothing. Mine is already eating bananas.”

My sister asked me to take off her clothes. So I took off her shirt. Then she said, “Take off my skirt.” So I took off her skirt. “Take off my shoes.” I took off her shoes. “Now take off my bra and panties.” So I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my things ever again.”

“Boob” is the perfect word. “B” looks like a birds-eye view of them, “oo” look like them face on, and “b” looks like it from the side!

A Bio Teacher Was Telling Her Students: “For The Best Penetrations 6 – 7 Inch Penis Is Best.”

One Of The Girl Asked Her: “Maam, What About 9 Inches?”

Teacher Said: “I Am Telling You About Necessity Not Luxury“

William Sexfear Quote About Women’s Tears
Female Tears And Male Sperms Are So Similar. They’re Always Eager To Come Out And Only One In A Million Is For The Right Cause!

Why Do Women Watch Porn Movie Till The End?

Because They Think That The Guy Will Marry The Girl In The End.

The Sky Was Dark
The Moon Was High
All Alone Just Her And I

Over smart Wife: “If I Sleep With Your Most Loving & Close Friend, What Will Be The First Thought In Your Mind?”
Smart Husband: “You Are A Lesbian“

William Sexfear’s Case Study On Wedding Decisions
Average Marital Life – 30 Yrs
Marriage Expenses – Rs. 2,00,000
Monthly Expense – Rs.15,000
Wife’s Monthly Maintenance – Rs. 3,000
Sex First 5 Yrs – Weekly 3 Times.
Next 5 Yrs  – Weekly 1 Time.
Next 10 Yrs  – Once In 15 Days.
Next 10 Yrs – Once In A Month.
1400 Times Sex In 30 Yrs 4 An Estimated Expenditure Of 66,80,000 + 2,00,000
Spent On Wedding @ 7% For 30 Years As Per Current Fd Interest Rate 29,84,890 = 99,64,890
A Man Spends Rs.7120 For Each Time He Has Sex With His Wife.
Call Girls are Cheaper!

A Very Emotional Lines Said By A True Lover,
After Breaking Up With His Girlfriend
I Want Her Back ……….
And Her Front Too …!

Quote Of William Sexfear
In Today’s Relationship.
You Can Touch Each Other’s Private Parts,
But You Can’t Touch Each Other’s Cell Phones.
Because They Are Sooooooooooo Private?

Question To A Husband: “Do You Talk To Your Wife After Sex?”
Answer: Depends, If I Can Find A Phone.

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